So I’ve been feeling pretty guilty lately.
Guilty that all my posts this past week have been light-hearted, nothing of substance, quick-throw-something-together, last minute posts.
Which probably stems from the moment I took this particular picture.
It was the 24th, the day of my lumbar puncture, and I was on the bus heading to Seoul.
Since I don’t get to see my Neurologist that often, I wanted to be prepared. So I started a list of questions to ask.
And I got to that one…
“What will happen to me?”
…and I stopped.
I just couldn’t go any further.
I’ve been doing really good about not letting this whole mess weigh too heavy on me, but I’m not without my moments & that morning was one of them.
As you can imagine, writing those words was pretty hard.
You just can’t get more real than that.
And I didn’t factor in the emotional backlog that’s been building up as I wrote them out.
So yeah…I’ve been hiding, emotionally at least…in my daily life and even on the blog.
I hate fake people & I hate it even more when it feels like I’ve become one of them.
And for some odd reason tonight, I feel like I need to apologize to you.
I’m sorry. I promise I’ll do better.
27°F
You know, I think everyone who knows what is going on, understands. Having been through some pretty major health crisis in our own family over the years, you can not just sit and dwell on it. It isn’t fake — it is true living. Even in the midst of the storm, you stop to smell the roses (or in your case, the manure! LOL). You still laugh, you still cook, you still shop, you still walk the dog, you still have other thoughts other than just the elephant in the room. You keep living, even with the weight of that on your mind. I understand. And I bet your readers do as well. Share with us what you wish, when you wish. And just keep on living life along the way — because life along the way is what defines who you are. NOT this illness, it is just a contributor but not the definer. Still praying…..
Tell ya what I think. We are all here because we have found something or things in you that we love. Something that has drawn us to you. We are here for you NO MATTER WHAT. You can vent if you want and no one is going to think bad of you. But please don’t ever feel guilty….God knows you have a lot on your mind. We are all praying for you Jenn and its going to be all right. Yes, it is. Honest. Sending you big hugs all the way from Michigan.
God only gives you what you can handle, and he must think you can handle anything.
You worry only when they tell you something is worth worring about, you live your life everyday to it’s fullest til then. No one will think lesser of you for that.
We too, love and miss you in our lives, and look forward to all your postings, no matter what.
Sondra
No apology necessary, Jenn. Sometimes, we’re just not able to bring ourselves tp put into words our thoughts and fears about the things that scare us the most. It takes time to process everything and give voice to it. Know that we all understand and are right there with you no matter what your mood turns out to be on any particular day. Many of us , if we have a few years on us, have experienced similar times in our lives. The comfort and understanding of family and friends who accept us for what we’re able to share now, or wait until that time for sharing is right, is a true blessing. LOL
Hey!
I’m not some crazy stalker … but I just spent the better part of an hour reading your blog.
Primarily because we just got orders for Camp Humphreys and I’m freaking out about moving over there and I wanted to know about it and then … since I’m a Texan … I just got hooked and felt like I was home – even though we are technically stationed at Fort Riley Kansas now.
Anyhoo … Just wanted to say hi and say that your post on what not to do in Korea in the winter has been earmarked for me for next year. Our report date is 12 July. Tell me I’m going to love it – right? And that living off post (we’ve always been spoiled with post housing) is not going to be a big deal.
I’m trying not to freak out that I can only move 6100 pound of stuff (we DITY moved over 30,000 pounds when we moved here from Texas three years ago. What they heck am I going to do with all my stuff?). Did your off post housing come furnished? They are telling my husband that 90% of the housing is furnished and to leave our stuff in storage – is that true?
If you have ANY advice to give me … I’d gladly take it!
Sheila
sheila.gober@yahoo.com
Jenn, I found your blog I forget how but truly enjoy reading it. Since your health issues arose you have amazed me. Being so far from relatives and friends and dealing with something so potentially scary in the manner you do is very impressive. You owe no one apologies. I owe you thanks for showing bravery in the face of something daunting.
Please don’t apologize…you have to do, what you have to do to get by…
Girl, are you really apologizing for being NORMAL??? There is not a woman, or man, worth anything this side of the sun who would think less of you for having very normal feelings. I’m betting no one else could have handled the situation any better. My hat is off to you!!! (If you find anyone with a problem with it, just send ‘em to me!! I’ll take care of them for you. I’ll give them a Texas style attitude adjustment.)
Have I told you lately just how proud I am of you?? You have handled many a challenge head on and just looked at them as a life adventure. I have enjoyed reading your stories about all of them as you have a wonderful way with words. Your sense of humor shines brightly!! I love you.
I agree with all of the comments.You gotta do what you gotta do,if anyone don’t like tell them to kiss@@#$$%.We have known you for 20yrs.You a very strong person and we are with you 100%
I agree with Terri,send some my way!
Love ya babe–let us know what is going on.
Jenn, my husband, Mac, passed away years ago from colon cancer after a long and courageous battle. He had a saying taped to the bathroom mirror that he looked at everyday. It said, ” IF YOU CAN’T FIGHT AND YOU CAN’T FLEE, JUST ROLL WITH THE FLOW”. Sweetie, that’s what you’ve been doing and you owe NOBODY an apology. God Bless!
I just wanted to put in my two cents of agreement with all of the earlier comments. I do not believe that figuring out your own emotions before sharing with others qualifies as being fake. Truly, truly how could anybody be expected to share what they have not yet figured out? Nobody can and certainly there is no expectation that you should. It is a wonder that you’re posting at all; please take care of yourself in everyway that is helpful. {{{hugs}}}
{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}