[more pictures from my walk with Moo]

I want to thank everyone for all their support over these past few weeks & for reminding me to celebrate the positives.

To be honest, it’s hard right now.

It just hasn’t sunk in yet.

But it will…sometimes things take a while for me to process.

I don’t know if it’s a part of growing older, if it’s the ‘some-ting’ in my brain slowing down the connection or if it could possibly, in any sense of the imagination, be considered wisdom.

For weeks now I’ve been bracing myself for an MS diagnosis…and all that would entail.

And if you wouldn’t mind indulging me, I think if I can write out my thoughts over the whole thing it might help me get to a point where I can celebrate the fact that it is NOT MS.

What I didn’t share…because at the time it was just too painful…was that Eric’s mother died from MS – at an early age.

And the idea of telling my husband that I had MS…that he was married to a woman with MS – the disease that took his mother…knowing he had grown up seeing what the disease can do, in all it’s wretched glory…

It ripped my heart out.

And being the realist I am, I began factoring in all kinds of down-the-road issues – like losing weight.

Why?…

Because in my warped brain I thought if the disease progressed to the point that I was wheelchair bound (as was his mother) that I needed to be thin enough to pick-up.

Yeah, try sharing that thought with your husband.

It wasn’t easy.

But it was the truth…of the moment, at least.

But it’s not MS. And it’s not Lyme Disease, something we were actually praying for – how twisted is that?

So while I feel some relief in crossing those two off the list, the “great unknown” continues to weigh on me.

I just want an answer.

And it seems the answer is always “have patience”.

[rice flats - germinating so they can be planted next month]

But the doctor says a simple blood test will rule out Scrub Typhus, although I’m not sure he can use any of the 3 gallons they’ve already drained from me.

So the question I can’t get out of my head now is could those two little azithromycin pills I scrounged up & took (because the docs here wouldn’t prescribe me any) really have made that much of a difference to spare my life?

It just seems unfathomable to me. Surely it would’ve taken more than 2 pills.

But I’ll continue to wait, continue to work towards acceptance – towards patience & try not to think that if it really is Scrub Typhus that I should’ve died back in November when all this started.

[sigh]

Thanks for letting me get that out.

I needed that.