[miss part one or two?]

I think I’ll bill myself as the Spotted Girl from Calcutta…it sounds exotic (something I most definitely am not).

Yes, I’m still spotted – in fact, they’ve multiplied.

Down my legs, more on my face & chest, on my scalp – Yep, the Spotted Girl from Calcutta.

It’ll be great.

*Note – all names have been changed for the rest of this story.

After the woman gloved up & administered my EKG she wandered off never to be seen again.

I think she went looking for one of those HazMat showers where they strip you naked & scrub you down with industrial strength cleansers.

But then entered Private Pinprick. A young soldier who was tasked with hooking me up to the Oxygen tank & putting in an IV.

This is probably where I should mention I’m part vampire – I don’t really have veins. I have more like thin little strands that run deep along my bones and the one & only IV I’ve had as an adult took 3 people to put in and over 2 hours to absorb.

Yep – Private Pinprick & I were about to become real good friends.

A few more minutes and Dr. I’m-in-a-Hurry (Greek name, French accent & markedly effeminate for an Army doc – not that there’s anything wrong with that) popped around the curtain to roll his eyes at me for interrupting his lunch & ask, ‘So what’s going on?’

I had already given my history to 3 different people by this point. I know it was written down – I watched them write it down. So I fired back with a stupid reply to his stupid question.

‘I don’t feel so hot.’

Needless to say, our professional relationship went down from there. He obviously hadn’t read the chart his staff so diligently filled-out. So to save time, I rattled off the bullet points,

‘Stiff neck, high fever (since broken), piercing pressure headache, now spots…’

It was at this point that he did the whole hurry-up hand thing.

He listened to my lungs – which he said were ‘clear’ (I could’ve told you that) and then proclaimed I had “a virus”.

No other tests – no blood work – no medication – no anti-virals – no follow-up with your doctor. Just O2 & about one tenth of the IV Staff Sergeant Expert finally had to put in.

That’s what I got.

Sent home to take over-the-counter Tylenol & rest…oh yeah, and keep sipping water.

But he did mention I could come back in a few days if I still wasn’t feeling so well.

See?…This is why I don’t go to doctors. Air & water…I could’ve done that at home.

I laid there feeling like a complete idiot for coming in.

About that time they sent Eric back to see me – and the boy took my picture.

Lovely.

But didn’t I do a good job of covering up the spots on my face? You can just barely see bits of pink beneath all that make-up.

He also made me promise to post this picture for you.

There. Done. Caput. No Mas. The last picture you’ll see of me.

I have to go get surgically altered now so I can start my life as the Amazingly Exotic Spotted Girl from Calcutta.

After all, who wants to pay to go see a spotted Jenn?

[keep reading]