Holidays are the hardest.

Not just because of the obvious facts of being far from home, far from loved ones and far from family traditions.

Nope…holidays here are spent a bit differently.

(So fair warning – what follows are a few cold, hard facts. Am I saying it’s all gloom & doom? No. But it is the reality.)

Fact 1: Daily phone calls to every soldier.
Whether you’re a Squad Leader, Platoon Sergeant or Command Sergeant Major, everyone up the chain of command is responsible for checking-in on their soldiers & reporting back up that chain that everyone is alive & accounted for.

It’s basically a suicide watch patrol & ditching your Senior NCO’s phone call because you’re “supposed to be off for the holiday” is not a good idea.

Senior NCO (Senior Non-Commissioned Officer): The guy who can make your life Hell.

Fact 2: Daily barracks inspections.
On top of the daily phone call, Senior NCO’s are responsible for walking through the barracks to help corral & defuse any potential soldier issues. Like the soldier standing outside the barracks at 10pm, drunk & screaming the Soldier’s Creed at the top of his lungs on New Year’s Eve.

“I am an Amerrrican Soldier

…(hic)…

I am a Warrrrrior….and a memberrrr of a team!

I sssssserve the people of the United Ssshtates…

umm – oh yeah…and live the Armeee Vahlues!

…(hic)…

I will always place the missshhion first!

I will neverrr accept defeat!

I will nevvvverrrr quit! Nevvvveeerrrr quit!

I will nnnnvvvvvrrrr leave a fallen commrade!

…(hic)…

[you get the point]

Fact 3: Dealing with this soldier will prevent you from kissing your wife at midnight on New Year’s.
But you’ll race home & get there at 12:03 to kiss her anyway.

Fact 4: You won’t get a good night’s sleep & neither will your wife.
No matter how hard you try to prevent soldiers from getting into trouble, you’ll still get at least 2 middle-of-the-night phone calls over the course of the four-day holiday. The phone will usually ring around 1 or 2am and it will be either the MP’s (military police), the CQ (charge of quarters) or one of your Sqad Leaders informing you of the latest soldier antic.

You’ll have to get up, get dressed & go into base to both deal with the issue at hand & the soldier – which usually requires an immediate counselling statement to be written & signed. Getting you back home & back in bed about 2 – 3 hours later.

Fact 5: It’s never what really happened.
When the phone does ring in the middle of the night, you’ll be given a brief explanation as to the issue at hand. It can be anything from

“He was just standing there & somebody walked up & hit him”

to

“He assaulted an officer.”

It’s never an absolute 100% accurate depiction of the events at hand & you’ll be responsible for sorting it all out, getting your own sworn statements from your soldiers & putting it all in your report for the commander – which needs to be on his desk first thing in the morning.

So initial comments like, “he was just standing there” turn into “he saw someone he thought was messing around with his girlfriend & decided to go punch him out”.

(Never mind the fact that all three are married to people other than each other. Unfortunately Army life overseas can sometimes be like living an episode of Jerry Springer.)

Fact 6: Just when you think it can’t get any weirder, it will.
It’s amazing how rational the brain can be at 2am – having just been awakened once again by another phone call. The voice on the other end of the line says, “You have to come in & get him & drive him back to his barracks because the MP’s wont. They say the roads are too bad for them to drive him back.”

Of course, seeing as how you live off-base, the first reaction is ‘What?’

And then with lightning speed your brain immediately recognizes how ridiculous it sounds to have to DRIVE INTO BASE to drive a kid back to his barracks because the MP’s ON BASE claim the roads are too dangerous.

[no offense to our wonderful, smart, kind & highly intelligent & common-sense next-door MP neighbor, whom I'm sure realizes how crazy that sounds & won't hold it against me]

But of course, this too is probably not what was really said.

But it is what was said to you at 2am by the voice on the other end of the phone.

Fact 7: You’ll be glad when the holidays are over.
And so will your wife.