Whenever soldiers leave…be it to gunnery, basic training, Haiti or the Middle East…rule number one is ‘Make sure your wife can pay the bills while you’re gone’.

This isn’t my rule – it’s an pseudo-official Army rule – something that’s drilled into them from the beginning.

And it’s an important one…for that I can attest to with great certainty.

For you see, I have managed to find myself in the perfect, and unfortunately stereo-typical, Army-life storm.

And it all began about two weeks ago…with the Mooch.

She ate my ATM card.

Yep – chewed one corner of it really good on the edge where the magnetic strip runs.

Destroyed.

I called the bank the next morning to order a replacement – but because it’s coming to an APO box, instead of getting it in 2 -3 days I would’ve received it in no less than 10.

Eric left for the field 3 days later.

Leaving me with the idea I could transfer funds from our joint military Bank of America account to my pre-married, civilian Bank of America account.

Sounds reasonable, right?

Wrong.

Because one’s military & one’s civilian, it’s NOT an automatic, same-day transfer. In fact, it’s about 3 – 5 business days & there’s a $12 wire fee to do it.

“But isn’t there a bank on post?”, you ask.

Ahh….yes & no.

Yes, there is a bank. No, it’s not a Bank of America.

Don’t be fooled into thinking the bank on base is Bank of America – even though the sign says ‘Bank of America’.

It’s not. It’s Community Bank. A bank managed by Bank of America on behalf of the Department of Defense…but you CAN’T access your stateside accounts.

I know…it’s confusing…don’t ask.

I would’ve been willing to pay the fee except for the fact that when I went to transfer the funds, it was Monday – Martin Luther King Day.

The bank was closed & when they opened back up it would’ve been too late to receive the funds in time.

So brilliant mind that I am, I decided to use my credit card to pay for things like gas & groceries in the meantime, then head straight home & pay the figure off online.

Which would’ve worked if the card wasn’t declined. It wasn’t expired, but it wasn’t activated either.

Call Discover…“please activate my card”….’no problem’ the voice on the other end says.

Try to use it again a few days later – nope. Still not working.

I’ll skip the next few details, but suffice it to say, yes – I called again, tried again. Called again, tried again. Nothing.

By this point I’m crossing my fingers that the new ATM card has arrived at the mail room.

[Did I mention our mail room is closing down for 6 days while they move to another building?]

The last day the mail room was open I went for one more “please God” check.

Nothing – not even our Netflix had come in.

In the meantime, our bills are due. Today, in fact.

Korea is a cash environment: I need US dollars to pay the oil bill & Korean won to pay everything else.

We have the money. It’s in the bank.

Sitting there.

Taunting me.

Infuriating me.

[sigh]

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Footnote: Luckily, Eric is coming home tomorrow for the day. He’s not home for good – he’ll have to go back. They’re still not done blowing stuff up. But at least we’ll get the bills paid & he’ll get a home-cooked meal instead of this lovely chow hall ‘where’s the beef’ number.