[miss part one?]

…………………

[standing up from the table]

Ladies & Gentleman (that would be Eric – oh wait! Scott reads my blog, too!)…

[embarrassingly clearing throat - ahem]

Ladies & 2 Gentlemen, I give you Exhibit B!

[pacing up & down the jury box]

See here the destruction brought on by the defendant’s murderous rage.

The tearing of the flesh; the broken & battered pieces – I tell you it was that dog there!

[pointing dramatically over there]

Ladies & 2 Gentlemen of the jury – don’t be taken in by the pleading eyes, the wrinkled face or her too-big for the chair 120-pound butt!

She knooooowwwwwssss what she’s done.

[my best Southern lawyer's charismatic tone - head shaking with finger pointed to the sky]

And now she’s hoping to con you all into thinking she’s innocent!

INNOCENT?! – HA! – INNOCENT, YOU SAY?!!

[voice raised in incredulation]

Ladies & 2 Gentlement of the jury – do you not remember the abject horror you felt when you looked at the grizzly photograph of Exhibit A?

[whipping out photo for dramatic flair]

[children cry, women gasp & the men close their eyes]

Here it is! Look at it! Look at it!

[walking up & down the jury box]

Guts mangled & torn from their body! The ripping! The tearing!

All because that dog couldn’t control her wanton lust for the exposed flesh of a thing with such Korean beauty, grace & intelligent design.

[howling erupts in the courtroom]

“No! No! No!….It wasn’t me! It wasn’t me! Daddy, tell them! I’m innocent, I’m innocent!”

[denial leads to bargaining]

“Please don’t sentence me to death! I promise – I promise I’ll be good from here on out! I’ll give up peanut butter potty treats! I’ll go to DTA* – I’ll do the steps! I’ll walk the straight & narrow – donate all my toys to worthy causes!”

(*Dog Treats Anonymous)

[banging gable]

Quiet in the court! Quiet in the court!

[the room darkens as the credits start to roll]

(to be continued…)

What was it?

Scott, Juror 1: Nope, not a picture frame

Granny, Juror 2: Nope, not jewelry

Terri, Juror 3:  Does anybody even use rabbit ears anymore? By the way, Happy Belated Birthday!

Lisa, Juror 4:Nope, no nick-knack paddy-whack give a dog a bone bricker-brack.

Any other takers?

[keep reading]

In honor of the upcoming Halloween season & to get me in the mood for it (since they don’t celebrate Halloween here) I thought I would delight you all with the first of what I’m sure will become a regular series – thanks to Moo. Fanfare, please.

[Duh, da-da-dah!!!]

Maggie Moo Mystery Theater!

Episode One: Maggie Moo & the Midnight Morsels

[dimming light, dramatic music]

Scene One: 2 months ago

It was late at night. Eric & I were already in bed. He was blissfully sound asleep but I was startled awake by distant, haunting sounds.

crunch, crunch, crunch

It was coming from the other room. And it was getting louder!

crunch, crunCH, CRUNCH!

I looked over at Eric – not a flinch. My super-hero husband was out cold, leaving me to be the lone household defender.

CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH!

I looked over for Moo-Moo, but she was gone! And in my slumbering stupor I thought,

‘Oh my God! IT’S EATING MAGGIE!”

CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH!

What do I do?! What do I do?!

There’s no gun in the house & I lost my Louisville Slugger somewhere in the move from Texas to Virginia.

CRUNCH, CRUNCH…CRACK!

That did it – that sound made me summon all my courage & I raced out of the bed.

I made my way through the darkness of the bedroom, out the door & into the open upstairs area to find Maggie…

CRACK, CRACK….(cough-cough) HACK!

…with the remnant, miniscule bits and mangled plastic morsels scattered across the floor. As she quickly tried to swallow the evidence of her crime.

Can you guess what it was?

FOOTNOTE: No Erin, you are not allowed to guess or tell, since you already know what it was.

[keep reading]